From HoverCloud

Michael's Outburst

Note: this excerpt from an email I sent is an explanation of why Michael isn't living with us right now. Alot has happened since this was written, and for more about what's been going on with Michael recently, check Phillip's Journal (http://fellupon.com/journal/)

October 21, 2004

Almost 3 weeks ago, on a Friday night, Michael's girlfriend was over visiting, and they were getting too touchy-feely in his room, so I asked them to come out of there and find something else to do. An argument ensued, during which Michael tried to stare me down and physically intimidate me. Because of his actions, I told him that we were going to take her home. He seemed to have given up at that point. Well, after plenty of yelling that is, and him trying to start a fight with me. Oddly enough he was trying to start something not by hitting me himself, but rather by trying to make me mad enough to hit him. It didn't work, I told him plainly that I wasn't going to hit him first. (Perhaps this is why he felt safe enough to be such a butthead to me, because he knows I won't simply beat the crap out of him like I imagine so many people would). Anyways...

A little later, when Phillip was backing out the car (with Michael's girlfriend inside), he came outside with a knife and stabbed it into Phillip's right rear tire. I followed him into the driveway and yelled at him to drop the knife, at which point he turned towards me (I was between him and my car) and came towards me. I decided to run rather than risk trying to disarm him (it was a long sharp kitchen knife, easily deadly) but after turning around I fell down in the driveway because of the darkness and the slope. He stabbed my car tire, which apparently was the actual target or his movement in that direction, dropped the knife, and promptly got tackled by Phillip who had jumped out of his car as soon as he saw what was going on.

Phillip's tackle got him down on the ground and I held him there while Phillip went in to call the police. He found Rubin already on the phone with 911. Michael continued to struggle, trying to hit me, and biting me three times, so I had to use a little more force to subdue him than I wanted to, but eventually he gave up and lay still. After a while, when I felt it was safe, I let him up, and he was in his room laying on the bed when the police arrived (about 15 minutes after the call). They took him out in handcuffs and interviewed everyone. Michael was charged with 2 counts of vandalism (misdemeanors) for the tires, 1 count of brandishing a knife (another misdemeanor), 1 count of assault with a deadly weapon (a felony), and 1 count of criminal threats (another felony, the crime of threatening someone with great bodily harm with the means to carry it out).

Phillip and I have spent a great deal of time thinking about Michael and the previous situations (another 4 or 5 instances where he lost control over the last 3 years, and we've had to hold him down on the ground until he calmed down, that were not as bad as this one). Michael has come a long way in controlling himself, but he still has a lot of work ahead of him. We don't believe he intended to harm us, and when it comes to being physical about his anger he has always taken his anger out on objects rather than people (as evidenced, by the fact that he didn't choose to hit me in the hallway during the first part of this incident, or stab me when I stumbled and was on the ground in the second part). However, we have made it clear to him that if he cannot change the pattern of violence and the direction he is going, that we will be forced to find another place for him to live (probably a group home or some other more restrictive environment), for the safety of everyone. We would continue to be his parents and visit him, of course, but if he picks up a knife again in our house, he won't be able to live there. And, he will be getting some continuing form of therapy from now on.

They didn't let him come home right away, and after spending almost 3 weeks in Juvenile Hall, his attitude seems quite a bit improved and I have some hope that he will learn to make choices that won't lead to his return there. In court yesterday, the felony counts were dismissed or reduced, so now he has just 4 misdemeanors to deal with. He's on house arrest right now, and the judge will be sentencing him at his next hearing in three weeks, when I suspect he will get at least 6 months of probation (which will include random drug testing, which may be of help to him in saying no when offered drugs by his peers at school), and mandatory therapy. The sentence could be up to 2 years of imprisonment, but I don't expect that.

Criminal courts work quite a bit differently for juveniles, so if you ever have kids you'll want to be careful before taking the step of calling the police. The government and the courts in California basically deal with you like they own your kids and they will decide everything, including whether your home is still the best place for them. You don't want to call them in until you've lost control of the situation anyway and would like some help getting it back, or things get to the point where you would consider the idea of your kid living somewhere else to be a viable option. Ironically, not long before this happened, Phillip and I were talking about how helpful it might be if Michael could live somewhere else for a while where he would receive an attitude adjustment and come to better appreciate what he has with us. This isn't the way I would have chosen for it to go down, but it does seem to be having the desired effect.

It has been difficult for us emotionally, because we are quite attached to Michael. We're having to learn how to separate our love for him from any attachment to the ideas or hopes we have about how things will turn out for him. We will do the best we can, but ultimately, it is up to him whether he makes his life work out or not. It's possible that we met him too late to have enough of an influence, and he'll spend a good deal of his life behind bars, but I like to think there is still a great opportunity for him to learn here, change his direction, and avoid that.

No need to feel bad for us, incidentally. I am going through some things I never planned on, yes, but I'm learning a great deal from it.